Copywriting challenge time:
One of my coaching students is rewriting a flyer selling guitar lessons.
Specifically, guitar lessons for kids — but the flyer obviously goes to parents.
He gave me the original flyer and his revision, and asked whether I thought he’d made it better.
So I want to challenge you — what do YOU think?
Here’s the original flyer headline:
Guitar Has Never Been More Fun
That’s version 1.
And here’s my student’s revision:
We give your child a skill that makes them smarter, boosts their self-confidence & develops a rare work ethic… all while they play music, meet new friends, and
Make You A Happier Parent!
That’s version 2.
Ignore for a moment the fact that he’s added eyebrow copy above the headline (which means it’s not a fair fight).
On the headline alone, which version is better?
… okay, obviously still version 2, right?
The first headline totally fails to connect with a parent. They’re not even the ones playing guitar. And of course, the eyebrow copy my student added gives that second headline some extra punch.
So if you said that, good. You get a ‘pass’.
Now for the real question:
How would YOU make it better?
That’s one of the most important questions you can ask when you look at any copy.
I’ll give you a few lines to think of an answer …
I hope so.
Here’s my thinking:
“Be a happier parent” is not a good promise.
The thinking is okay. People DO want to be happy. But it’s a secondary effect of whatever they buy. You don’t buy products that promise to “make you happy”.
And as a parent myself, the promise “be a happier parent!” sounds pretty “meh” to me.
It’s also making the mistake of telling, not showing:
What does being a happier parent actually look like?
Admittedly, that’s a hard thing to pull off in a headline of just a few words.
But not impossible.
Here’s how I’d do it:
We give your child a skill that makes them smarter, boosts their self-confidence & develops a rare work ethic… all while they play music, meet new friends, and burst out the doors after their lesson each week with a huge smile on their face, screaming:
“THANK YOU, MOM!”
See how the copy changes with just an extra line?
(And yeah, again, adding extra copy is cheating, but my student cheated first so serves him right)
Now you aren’t telling someone about some abstract “happiness” they could have.
You’re showing them exactly what that happiness looks like … in that moment when they’re picking up their kids, and they watch their kids run out the door with a huge smile on their faces, and they actually hear the gratitude for the decision they made.
The word-painting to show that scene — involving multiple senses — is very deliberate.
And it took just one extra line.
(Of course, I might tighten up the eyebrow copy so it’s not overwhelming, but I was trying to keep things consistent to make a point.)
Note that I also chose a headline that calls out the parent directly. “Thank you, mom” literally speaks straight to the mother. And it’s very eye-catching.
Now, this lesson is so powerful I almost scrapped this email and decided not to share it for free. It was, after all, a private coaching question.
But I’m sending it anyway, to show you what kind of feedback you’ll be missing out on by not being in Inbox Detonator when I open it.
If it’s taken you this long to get on the waitlist I’m tempted to not even let you in … but you get another chance for today.
The waitlist for Inbox Detonator is here.
Just imagine the smile on your face when you enrol and I send you a video ripping your copy to shred—er, I mean, giving you helpful feedback on your work!