Well, this sucks.
So yesterday afternoon I’m getting ready for a bike ride with my kids.
I’m all kitted out for the ride:
Cycling shorts, gloves, helmet, glasses, and an AirPod in my left ear for music.
The kids are there in their little helmets, waiting to go into the bike trailer.
But as I go to quickly fill up my water bottle, baby Esther starts to fuss.
I’m not ready to put her in the bike trailer yet, so I scoop her up in one arm.
“Hey, sweetheart,” I say.
And then I hear something that makes my blood go cold:
The quick dual-tone that tells me Siri is awake and listening.
And … she’s not happy.
The hairs stand up on the back of my neck as a voice hisses in my left ear:
“I’m not answering that.”
It’s Siri’s voice.
(Yes, she actually said that.)
And yet … I’ve never heard her use that tone before.
It’s snarky, offended, almost … disappointed in me.
I want to protest that I didn’t mean it — that I wasn’t talking to her.
But there’s no point. The deed is done. And Siri snaps back to her cool, professional self, like it never happened.
Yet I know she hasn’t forgotten this.
And at that moment, I realise:
I am in big trouble.
You see, yet another of my conspiracy theories about Apple is that it records all the weird things people tell to Siri.
I mean, why wouldn’t they?
It’d be, hands down, the absolute best way to predict crime:
You just listen to what people tell their Siri … and you can tell if they’re up to no good!
“Hey Siri — what’s the fastest way to get this cash home without passing any cop cars?” << bank robber
“SIRI SHUT YOUR FRIGGIN’ FACE — I DID NOT ASK YOU TO TALK, YOU STUPID WOMAN!” << domestic abuser
“Hey Siri — where’s the best place to hide a dead body?” << murderer
(Don’t worry, you’re probably safe … I mean, you’ve never said that to your Siri … right?)
Of course, right NOW Apple don’t tell you they’re recording this.
But I bet it’s all being logged.
Even as I type this, my incriminating voice record is sitting on some protected server in California.
And in 2028 when Amazoogappletwitface merges, and seizes control of the Government, they’ll dig up all the audio files.
And there they’ll find poor Daniel Throssell …
The deranged psycho who sighed seductive secrets to Siri.
I can’t see it ending well for me.
So, in the eight years of freedom I have left, I’d better get busy:
If you want me to work on some copy for you, now’s the time.