WARNING: I wouldn’t read this email before bed.
There’s going to be quite a bit of drama, and it might mess up your sleep …
Okay, so here’s the story:
This morning, I wake up at 4:15, as I always do.
I make myself a coffee, and sit down to read the Bible for a lil’ while.
And then I open my computer to do my email to you for the day.
But before I start, something catches my eye.
Because there, in my inbox, is one of the angriest emails I have ever seen, from one of my readers:
Surely you’re aware by now of the email that went out today from that Tyler McCune guy?
Joined his list on your recommendation the other day, but that trash almost got an instant unsubscribe from me.
Genuinely, sorely tempted to rip this clown a new one via email.
If you weren’t aware of it, then I’m sorry for ruining your day.
If not, just want to throw a reminder your way that not only are you a better writer from what I’ve seen so far…but, by orders of magnitude, a better human being.
Much love Daniel, and f*** that guy.
Why is this guy so upset for me?
What email is he talking about from Tyler McCune?
And wait … who is Tyler McCune?
Then I realise:
Tyler’s the copywriter I wrote about a few days ago.
To save you clicking, the short story is this:
I joined Tyler’s email list a few months back after he advertised in a Ben Settle email.
At first I thought Tyler sounded like a Ben Settle rip-off — and I even emailed Ben Settle to say that. But since then, Tyler had gotten better. I even started to like him.
Then the other day, Ben broadcast my old comment to his list, publicly shaming Tyler.
So I wrote an email in defence of Tyler, and even recommended his list to my readers.
You’d think he would be grateful … right?
Today he sent out an email publicly calling me (and Ben Settle) out.
(Choice parts: I am apparently a ‘koala-kicker’, a ‘pumpkin-pie-hair-cutted freak’, and an ‘ass-kisser’.)
Some thanks, huh?
So I think it’s time we dealt with this guy.
And it just so happens that I know exactly how we’re going to do that.
You see this remote in my hand?
You look at my hand. I’m holding a small, silver remote with the label “Email Narrator Power”.
Yep. This is my secret weapon.
So let’s see what we can do here …
I press a button on my remote.
Suddenly your surroundings go black, and you can’t see anything. Then you hear my voice, booming through a loudspeaker …
“Ladies and gentlemen … welcome. To a VERY special edition of …”
The lights flick on. You’re in a stadium, with thousands of people, watching a boxing ring. Yes, you know where you are …
“… Copywriter FIGHT CLUUUUUUUUB!!!”
The crowd goes wild.
I step up beside the ring and continue:
“Thank you, thank you. Now let me introduce today’s contenders. In the red corner, we have the copywriting upstart that dared to call me out publicly after I did him a favour … Ty-leeeeeer Mc-CUUUUUUNE!!!”
The spotlights swing onto a guy with long, wild hair. He punches the air a few times.
“BOOOOOOO!!!” cries the crowd.
“And in the other corner, we have an unexpected contender …”
The crowd tightens in suspense.
An evil grin sweeps across my face:
I throw down the microphone and jump into the ring.
Oh, yes, ladies and gentlemen … it’s a special edition of Copywriter Fight Club today.
Because your host and narrator — who’s written copy for more than $20 million of products, helped launch instant national bestsellers, and been called “the best damn marketer in Australia” — is getting in the ring himself, to defend his title from this upstart.
So let’s settle this, shall we?
The crowd roars in delight.
(Hey, it’s my crowd. They do whatever I want.)
You’re in the audience, with a shirt that says “I ️ Daniel”. You nearly pass out with excitement as you scream: “YES!!! I LOVE YOU DANIEL!!!”
The bell rings, and Tyler inches towards me, fists up in the air.
“Not so fast,” I say.
I pull out my remote, and press a button.
Chains appear from thin air, and lock Tyler to the floor.
“Th-that’s not fair!” he cries.
I shrug. “My email, man. You wasted your narrator power … now you’re gonna regret it.”
And then I step up and land a haymaker right on his chest.
“Ooof!” grunts Tyler.
“Oooh!” cheers the crowd.
(Still wearing your “I ️ Daniel” T-shirt, you collapse in your seat in a fit of ecstasy.)
“That’s what you get for being ungrateful after I publicly gave you props!” I scream at Tyler.
And then I start landing a flurry of blows on his exposed ribs.
“Calling me a koala kicker?”
“A weirdo who watches anime?”
Something catches my hand from behind before I can land the punch.
I turn around and … is this Ben Settle in the ring?
Yes it is … and he ain’t happy.
“Step aside, junior … I’ve got my own score to SETTLE with this copycat,” Ben snarls.
I step out of the way.
Ben steps up to Tyler … and starts going all Wing Chun kung-fu on his sorry little backside.
“Don’t need no more small-minded swipers on my list … I’ve got enough of those!” he roars, as the punches fly.
“Waaahhh, I’m sorryyyyy!!!” burbles Tyler. He starts crying. “Pleeeease! Ben! Daniel! I won’t do it again!”
I’m considering whether to step in and help Tyler — when suddenly something even more surprising happens …
(Yes, I know, right? This email is the wildest ride ever … how can it get even more surprising?)
Suddenly, a lady in a boxing suit cartwheels into the ring … and delivers Ben Settle a side-kick that sends him flying.
“What the …?” I say.
I stare at my ‘Narrator Power’ remote. I didn’t summon her … and who is that, anyway?
But as I look at this mysterious hero who’s come to Tyler’s defence, I recognise her.
In the audience, you’ve just woken up, and realise too:
“Is that … A-list copywriter Kim Krause Schwalm?!?” you scream. (And promptly pass out again.)
Yep. It’s Kim Krause Schwalm. Another one of the world’s best copywriters … and Tyler’s copywriting coach.
She stands in front of Tyler with her hands on her hips and shouts: “Tyler is MY copywriting protege … and if anyone calls him a rip-off, they’ll call him a rip-off of ME!”
“We’ll see about that, you Trump-hating feminist!” cries Ben Settle … as he crash-tackles her to the ground.
The two A-list copywriters trade blows.
I walk up to Tyler, rubbing the back of my head in concern. “You okay?” I ask.
“Yeah … did you plan this?” he says, without looking away from Kim and Ben.
“No”, I say, frowning at my remote. “I … seem to have lost control here.”
In the background the punches are still flying.
(“Copywriting Velocity THIS one … ha-HA!”)
I pipe up. “You know what, man … let’s, uh, get out of here before Brian Kurtz shows up with a flamethrower or something,” I say.
“Agreed,” says Tyler.
I press a button. His shackles fall off and we hurry out of the ring.
But before we make it out, I turn around and shove a finger right up in Tyler’s face:
“Don’t you EVER diss me like that again!” I snarl.
And we beat it while the audience stays there to watch Ben Settle and Kim Krause Schwalm duke it out.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I do like Tyler. He’s a great copywriter. And he assures me his latest email was a joke. So you can put down the pitchforks.
However, as you can see, controversy is one of the best ways to get attention.
That’s why in your marketing it’s always a good idea to have an ‘enemy’ you can rally against on behalf of your customers.
I’ve done this for many clients before — helped them craft a narrative with a good ‘enemy’ they can fight.
(And usually, it’s a little bit more subtle than beating them up in a boxing ring.)
So if you’d like my help doing it for your business, hurry on over here:
I press another button on my ‘Narrator Email Power’ remote …