NOTE: For maximum enjoyment of this email, make sure you’ve first read my email about Apple’s C.R.A.P. Department from a few days ago. It’ll make today’s a lot more fun.
I think I’ve landed myself on a very dangerous hit-list.
Because ever since I wrote about Apple’s C.R.A.P. Department the other day, something weird has been happening:
ALL my Apple devices have gone on the fritz.
My AirPods have stopped working entirely.
The camera on my iPhone XS simply stopped mid-video this morning.
Airdrop just doesn’t work at all.
And my MacBook is starting to act really slow.
I think not.
No, I think the old C.R.A.P. Department at Apple is in a bit of a state of emergency right now.
You see, their existence was supposed to be top-secret. Yet last week, their algorithms picked up some Aussie copywriter broadcasting it to his entire list.
And they are NOT happy about it.
Right now, those giant monitors in their HQ have stopped focusing on other Apple users. Instead, they show my name in big letters, with a picture of my face.
(On the upside, everyone else’s Apple products should magically stop dying for a few days while they’re distracted. You’re welcome.)
Here’s the conversation I imagine from inside the department a couple days ago:
“Howard, we’ve got a problem,” says Steven. “This Daniel Throssell guy just sent an email about us to his ENTIRE email list.”
Steven walks over. “What?!? How did he know?”
“Uh, it appears he got suspicious when his Apple Watch stopped working.”
“Was that us?”
Howard squints at his monitor. “Yes, sir. It looks like we gave his Watch ‘the treatment’ the other week. He’s had it for … two years.”
(Both Howard and Steven shudder as Howard says ‘two years’, like it’s some sort of dirty curse word.)
“This isn’t good, sir,” continues Howard. “Is it time to bring out the … big guns?”
“Yes, I suppose so,” he says solemnly.
The ‘big guns’ in question are a rarely-used contingency plan:
A system designed to take down anyone who tries to go public about the C.R.A.P. Department.
Formally, it’s called the “Level-Of-Awareness-Decreasing Actuator for the Customer Repurchase Assurance Plan”.
Steven walks over to an enormous safe that says:
With sweat on his brow, he keys in a code, and opens the safe.
Inside is a tiny little box.
Steven takes it out with trembling hands, and places it on a desk.
(Howard cowers behind his chair, peering over the top.)
Steven flips open the lid of the box:
Inside is a button similar to their usual red ‘kill switch’ — but this one is blue.
“Never thought I’d have to use this,” he says, swallowing.
And then — he pushes the button.
At that moment, in Perth, Australia, an off-duty copywriter is filming his baby daughter with his iPhone XS.
Suddenly, the camera simply stops mid-video, and quits.
“What the?” he mutters.
Unbeknownst to him, ALL his Apple devices have just received a secret wireless command to start misbehaving.
And perhaps he will never again own an Apple product that works for more than one year.
Behold the fearsome wrath of the C.R.A.P. Department at Apple …
Okay, folks, this ride is over — please watch your step as you disembark.
I hope you have enjoyed the exploits of Howard and Steven at the C.R.A.P. Department.
(Especially seeing as it’s come at the expense of all my Apple gadgets.)
And, more importantly — I hope you didn’t miss the blindingly obvious lessons in how to tell a story that hooks people and gets them smiling.
(As you will note, you are, after all, still reading.)
And now, for the glorious call to action:
If I’ve entertained or educated you, I’d like you to forward this email (or another of mine) to one friend who would appreciate learning copy from me, or using my services.
Yes, you are doing them a favour by recommending them a FREE resource who can teach them about writing better email copy.
And if you choose to Cc or Bcc me on the email, you will get something out of the deal too:
1) A written 5-minute critique of one piece of copy of your choice (I expect a LOT of these, so it will literally be 5 minutes — thus, shorter copy is better, and don’t expect an essay)
2) One question answered of your choice (by email) on ‘how do I get more clients?’ or ‘how do I get my first copywriting gig?’ or some other question I can answer about freelance copywriting. (For fairness, I’ll spend 5 minutes on the answer, so it will be more than one line.)
There, now everybody wins from this deal.
Go on, it’ll take you all of 20 seconds to hit ‘forward’ to a friend, Cc me, and write “Hey, thought you might like this guy’s emails”.
Only rule is, you have to do this within 24 hours.
I’m not sure any emails will get to my iPhone after that …
P.S. Despite getting low-ish open rates last time I did it, I put the word C.R.A.P. in the subject line again. I realised I don’t care about pleasing people who don’t open my emails. In fact, I solved my open-rate problem in another way: I just unsubscribed the people who weren’t reading. They do not deserve my stories anyway. But don’t worry — obviously, if you’re reading this, you’re all good.