I think I need to calm down a bit.
These last two days, I’ve just been offending people left, right and centre with these emails.
I mean, first I get people upset that I’m talking about Jesus … then I get people upset that I’m talking marketing about Jesus … then I get people upset that I’m talking good about marketing.
Look, I can’t really afford to care too hard if anyone is offended. If something offends you … be offended. It’s good for the soul!
That said, I thought I’d switch things up for something a bit more light-hearted today.
On Good Friday we already discussed our Lord, and his mastery of marketing.
So now, on Easter Sunday, let’s contrast him to a fluffier, more fictional Easter character — someone who I think couldn’t market to save his life:
The Easter Bunny.
“What do you mean, bad at marketing?” I hear you say. “He’s got one of the most beloved and well-known brands in the world!”
Perhaps … but you can’t take goodwill to the bank, can you?
Let me give you my top six reasons why I think ol’ bunny boy goes home each day and cries into the chocolate about his miserable bank account …
* He’s built a brand that’s not about SELLING.
One of the dumbest things you can do in business is position yourself as a giver of freebies. It attracts the lowest-quality, highest-maintenance customers, who constantly demand more and more for “FREEEEE!” until they suck you dry and ditch you for someone else’s giveaways. And yet, the Easter Bunny runs around handing out his best stuff without asking for a cent? It’s almost criminal.
* He’s picked his market horribly WRONG.
The Easter Bunny loves to sell his cuddly, kid-friendly image. He’s clearly going for the under-10s market. Except … kids don’t buy anything. They’ve got no money. So even if he had stuff to sell, guess what? They wouldn’t be buying it. And his offer to the grown-ups is even worse: “Spend your money on gifts for your kids, but give ME the credit for it!” How’s that for an unappealing value proposition?
* His business name SUCKS.
I could have helped him with this one. The “Easter Bunny”? That’s a great way to make sure you’re only front-of-mind with your customers four days out of the entire year. At least be the “Chocolate Egg Bunny” or something that would let you do business the rest of the time.
* He has ZERO follow-up strategy.
Sure, the previous point could be forgiven if Mr. Bunny actually followed up with his list some time through the year. But he doesn’t. Every Easter Monday, he picks up his basket and hops off for the next 361 days, and doesn’t say a word, leaving his warm list to go cold.
* He’s TERRIBLE at estimating his stock requirements.
To be fair, playing the physical inventory game isn’t easy. It’s why I much prefer working with online businesses myself. But if you’re gonna do it, do it right. For some reason, despite whatever dodgy backroom deal he has with the supermarkets to shill his stuff for months ahead of time, there’s ALWAYS shelves worth of half-price eggs left over that he couldn’t sell. When’s he gonna learn?
* And, he’s WAY too nice.
Rookies tend to think this is a good thing. Won’t everyone like you if you’re picture-perfect? Nope. The best brands have strong personalities, and things that attract some people and repel others. Even our hero from the other day, Jesus, wasn’t afraid to insult people and make enemies. But the Easter Bunny just peddles his “friendly, loveable” image … which is just kinda boring. And boring kills sales.
Anyway, so those are the six ways I think the Easter Bunny could lift his marketing game.
I’d offer to work with him, but around about this time of year, he probably can’t afford my expensive rates … and I don’t accept payment in chocolate.
And in celebration of a very special day — where we celebrate God’s free gift of redemption to mankind in the resurrection of Christ — I won’t be pitching anything today.
The smile I’ve hopefully brought to your face, by taking time out of my Easter Sunday to write this email, is my gift to you.
(Though if, for some weird reason, you have just decided TODAY that you want what I’ve been pitching, you can always go check my previous emails for a link.)
We may all be locked inside and unable to meet those we love most, but a very happy Easter to you and yours.
See you tomorrow,