Previous episode: The Goo-‘Roo
Your time-travel remote teleports you to the entrance of an enormous labyrinth.
The walls are at least twenty feet high and made of solid stone…
And inside, you can hear … noises.
You have a feeling you wouldn’t want to get stuck in there…
“Welcome to Market Research Maze,”
whispers a familiar voice in your ear.
You roll your eyes.
“Okay, can we please stop the creepy ‘Daniel-startles-the-reader’ thing?”
“Now, now,” I shrug. “You’ll be glad for my help in this place.”
We walk toward the entrance of the maze.
Next to it is a large plaque that reads:
You Are Now Entering
MARKET RESEARCH MAZE
Welcome to Market Research Maze — “The Most Important Place In Copywriting!”™
As decreed by the Universal Laws of Copywriting, every copywriter must make an agonising journey through this maze upon every single job they do.
To get the most out of your visit, please remember these simple rules of Market Research Maze…
- DO NOT EXIT Market Research Maze until you understand EVERY SINGLE MINUTE DETAIL OF YOUR PROSPECT’S LIFE
- In accordance with Rule #1, before you write a WORD of copy, you must know these things about your prospect: Their deepest hopes … what keeps them up worrying at night … their postcode … where they shop … the books they read … the car they drive … what they eat … their income level … their politics … their daily routine … their shoe size … and 1,435 other things! Remember, you must know them all!
- Doesn’t matter how simple the job you’re doing — Rule #1 applies!
- Doesn’t matter how little you’re getting paid — Rule #1 applies!
- No exceptions will be made to ANY previous rules!
- Don’t forget Rule #1!
- Watch out for the gigasaurs!
At the last one, you raise an eyebrow.
“Wait, what on earth is a gigasaur?”
“Duh, what it sounds like?”
You frown. “A … giant dinosaur?”
“I … should have known. And I suppose like everything else in this parallel world, it represents something to do with copywriting?”
“Nah … it’s just a giant dinosaur.”
“I … see.”
(As if in response … another awful shriek/roar echoes from within the maze.)
“Well … if it’s a Universal Law of Copywriting … I suppose I have to go in…”
You take a step towards the entrance.
But just then, something that could help you solve Market Research Maze catches your eye…
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