Previous episode: Hunted By Mega-Lions
A fraction of a second after tapping your time-travel remote, the sound of a loud engine fills your ears.
Although it’s muffled … because, you realise, you’re wearing a helmet.
You feel the wind whipping past you.
A helmeted figure sits a few inches in front of you.
Behind you, enormous booms echo out:
THUD! THUD! THUD!
What on earth is going on?
You come to your senses and realise … you’re on the back of a motorbike, whipping through a dirt trail in the forest.
Then the rider turns around to look at you, and flips up his visor to reveal … Daniel Throssell’s face.
And he’s … shouting something.
You turn around to look behind you … and nearly fall off the bike in shock.
We’re being chased by a … kangaroo?
But not just a normal kangaroo.
This kangaroo is GIANT.
And … it’s looking at us hungrily.
“What the Hopkins is THAT?!?” you scream through your helmet.
“That, my friend,” I reply, “is none other than one of the most irritating creatures on this copywriting island …”
(Because, you know, ‘Goo-Kangaroo’ just didn’t have the same ring to it. And full credit to Ben Settle for inventing the term, of course.)
“Wait, you mean guru?”
“No, goo-‘roo. They’re greedy, vicious, and they can grow up to the towering height of eight or nine figures!”
THUD! THUD! THUD!
The goo-‘roo keeps hopping after us … and it’s gaining.
We whip past trees and under overhanging vines at frightening speed in an attempt to get away.
I squeeze the throttle … but the bike is maxed out. We’re not going to outrun it at this rate.
Time for a new plan.
“You know how to ride a motorcycle?” I call out.
“No!” you reply.
“Don’t worry, neither do I! You take over!”
Before you can protest, I deftly swing around behind you and shove you forward. You grab the handlebars of the bike and take control.
Behind you, I unholster my Email Copywriting Compendium shotgun … and begin unloading it at the goo-‘roo.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
But your riding is too unsteady … and I miss all my shots.
I curse and turn back to reload … then spin back around and aim my shotgun.
“Hold this thing STEADY!” I yell.
“I’m TRYING!!!” you shout back.
The goo-‘roo lurches closer.
It takes one last giant leap …
… comes flying through the air towards us, and …
This time … I nail the shot.
The goo-‘roo keels over, wounded. It won’t be hopping after us any time soon.
“All right!” you scream.
We zoom off on the bike, leaving the injured goo-‘roo lying on the trail behind us.
A minute or so later, you turn the bike around a blind corner of the dirt trail, and …
… come face-to-face with the unharmed goo-‘roo, standing right in front of us.
“AAAAAHHHHHHH!” you scream, jerking the handlebars.
The bike veers sharply left, just missing the goo-‘roo.
It starts bounding after us in hot pursuit.
“How is that even POSSIBLE?!?” you shriek. “I saw you shoot it!”
“Retargeting!!!” I shout back. “Once they get a whiff of you … these things will follow you EVERYWHERE with offers for their free-plus-shipping book, or their training course! It’s almost impossible to kill them!”
I turn around and keep firing.
You round a corner … and again, the goo-‘roo is waiting.
(Sure enough, you notice a book tucked into its pouch, which it seems to be intent on getting you to pay the postage for.)
You pull the throttle, and the bike crests a hill …
The goo-‘roo is waiting right over the other side.
The motorcycle slams into the goo-‘roo’s furry chest.
We each go flying through the air … then roughly tumble along the ground.
You sit up, groggy.
You look over at me.
I’m lying unconscious on the ground.
The goo-‘roo bounces up in front of you.
It looms over you with its towering bulk. From up close, you can see the hunger in its eyes as it looks at you. It licks its lips.
You try to scramble to your feet, but before you get up, the goo-‘roo stuns you by crying:
“WAIT — I’m not one of those ‘goo-‘roos’!”
It can … talk?
“Listen,” booms the goo-‘roo. “I’m not a goo-‘roo, and I’m not here to hurt you. In fact, I’m here to tell you what the other goo-‘roos WON’T tell you. They’re all keeping this a secret from you. And they’re FURIOUS at me for offering to share it. Now if you’ll just … give me … your credit card …”
Licking its lips, the goo-‘roo reaches out its giant paws towards you.
You shriek in terror…
The goo-‘roo keels over … and falls face-first into the dust.
In its back … is a large … throwing knife?
Whose is that?
You stand up and inspect the goo-‘roo.
It’s still twitching, and it somehow seems—
…ohhhh … kay.
It’s not twitching anymore.
You look up … and a surprising sight meets your eyes.
Of course, I’m standing there, with my Email Copywriting Compendium shotgun levelled at the (now-definitely-dead) goo-‘roo…
But beside me is another guy, twirling a knife on the tip of his finger.
“Ah, yes,” I say, stepping forward. “Allow me to introduce you to my fellow goo-‘roo slayer…”
“Steven Alexander Young!”
Steven nods his head to you.
“Okay, let’s see,” I say. “Steven was Upwork’s original $999/hr freelancer … has built two global copywriting brands before helping build mine … he teaches freelancing at CTactics.com … and now he does all my SEO, helping me to slay the goo-‘roos infesting the copywriting industry.”
And after a pause, I add:
“Oh, and … he’s a raging liberal. Won’t even carry a gun like the rest of us. But don’t hold it against him. We’re still good friends notwithstanding.”
(Steven rolls his eyes.)
“Well,” says Steven. “Another goo-‘roo to add to your collection. I’ve gotta run … that PS5 won’t play itself!”
And with a deft jump … he disappears into the forest as suddenly as he appeared.
A piece of paper falls out of his pocket and flutters to the ground.
You stare down at the dead goo-‘roo.
“Do you … kill a lot of these?”
“Oh, all the time,” I say. “Didn’t I show you the sales graphs of me outselling tons of other top copywriters? I LOVE killing these things!”
“You mean … metaphorically killing, right? Like, ‘outselling’? Not actual ‘killing’?”
I blink at you.
Then — BLAM! — I unload another round into the dead goo-‘roo for good measure.
“Sure,” I say, with a crazed grin. “I love … metaphorical … goo-‘roo killing.”
… heh, heh
Anyway, it’s about time we got you back into the real world.
(Too much time in my parallel world can start to make you a little … crazy…)
But before you go and check your inbox, why not check out the very weapon I use to slay so many goo-‘roos?
It’s effective … affordable … and you can get yourself a copy right here:
And then check your inbox for your next email…